10 reasons to have twitter

just using tweets from the past week.
twitter is the most fun. i'm @vhsrobot and i tweet offensive/inappropriate things sometimes. be prepared if you plan on following me.

1. It's fun to go "BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!" as you back your bum up to the toilet. Anyway, I'm a pretty lonely person. - @robdelaney

2. This Vodka tastes like future bad decisions. - @boymeetsworld

3. I'm not the queen of England. OF COURSE I've used a paper towel as toilet paper. - @shelbyfero

4. You guys are like the imaginary friends I never had. - @themanwife

5. Throwing away one empty coffee cup from my car to make room for the next is the closest I've gotten to experiencing 'the circle of life.' - @hipstermermaid

6. What if . . . robots could fart. - @acrocksyo

7. I want to make meth. Not to sell or smoke or anything, just like a little crafty thing I want to get into. - @sucittam

8. Now I'm in Arkansas and I can't figure out how my life went so wrong. - @michaelianblack

9. Always be yourself, unless you can be a unicorn. Then always be a unicorn. - @imlesliechow

10. Thank you Newt Gingrich for ruining my Valentines Day by telling America that you are going to have sex during it. - @shewhobabbles


And my 10 most popular recent tweets. Because I'm vain. Also, these are 10 reasons you should follow @vhsrobot on twitter.

1. Me at 8 pm: "we should order a bigger pizza so we'll have some to eat at 4 am." Me at 3:55 am: "I'm a goddamn genius."

2. i like everything called cake. except urinal cakes.

3. Titanic has given me life-long trust issues. YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER FUCKING LET GO, ROSE.

4. I hate when people get all philosophical and inspirational on twitter. I'm here for the fart jokes, guys!

5. Friday 4 AM: "Ooh I got an email!" *student loan bill reminder* *throws computer across room*

6. Reasons Jagged Little Pill is the album of our generation: 1. Telling off Joey Gladstone 2. Rampant misuse of the word "irony"

7. I don't understand Glee fans who don't hate Glee at least as much as they love it.

8. Virgins bum me out.

9. Sometimes I rap to myself while I'm cooking ramen to distract from how pathetic my life is.

10. Dear twitter, we as a group are incredibly RUDE. We should work on that.

Vanity

Pictures of me from the past few days. Because I'm vain.

1.24.2012

1.25.2012

1.26.2012

1.27.2012

Tales from My Sister: 2nd Grade Teacher

Student: "Ms. Cunningham, how many kids do you have at home?"
Susan: "I don't have any kids at home!"
Student: "Did they move out?"
Susan: "No, I don't have any kids at all."
Student: "Oh no! Did they all die??"

Gone With The Wind in Internet Language

Act 1

OMG this is the epic story of this chick Scarlett. So Scarlett's all "boys r so qt, but my otp is me and Ashley Wilkes." Then Ashley and his cuz Melanie get engaged, and Ashley's like "sry boo" and Scarlett's like "fml." Then this totally old guy Rhett is like "hey boo, u sexy and i promise not 2 tweet bout you. And Scarlett's like "ew gross, ur old" and marries Melanie's brother Charles.. Charles dies in like 5 seconds and Scarlett's like "lol txt it!" but then no1 will let her have fun cuz she's a widow so she's like "fml" again.

But then Scarlett goes to the ATL and sees Rhett at this bangin' party and he asks her to dance and she's like "omg ur old, but at least u dont curr if im in mourning." Everyone's like "omg that total slore, i can't believe she's dancing w/that bro. lol text it!" Rhett's like "Scarlett, bb, ily and we gonna get hitched." But Scarlett's like "ew, ur old and totally not cool. die in a fire."

Scarlett sees her boo Ashley again and they totes kiss even though Ashley's married. Scarlett's rull excited, but Ashley says he's staying with Melanie. Scarlett's all "I am disappoint" but then Ashley leaves for the Civil War or whatever, and Scarlett becomes bffls with Melanie bc everyone else kinda hates her. A lil while later the yankees are legit trying to burn down the ATL, which totally isn't cool, and Melanie's preggo and sick. So Scarlett and her maid have to give birth to this baby and Scarlett's all "ew this is gross" and the maid's all "i don't know nothin' bout birthin no babies." But the baby's ok or whatever, and Scarlett texts Rhett all "i know ur in love with me, so can u do me a favor and get me and my friends out of this hellhole?" So Rhett shows up and takes them all back to Tara and he's all "do u love me now?" and Scarlett's like "lol no. thx 4 the ride." But then she finds out her mama died and Tara's all kinds of screwed because of the yankees. So she's super pissed and tweets "i'll never go hungry again!"

Act 2
Scarlett's all working in the fields so her fam can eat, but then she kills this yankee because she's a bamf. She steals all his money, which was smart bc the south lose the war so they need the yankee money. Her boo Ashley comes back and they totally hook up again, but Ashley's still like "i'm married but i love you but i'm married."

Scarlett's all pissed and doesn't have any money, so she's like "that dude Rhett will totally gimme money. lol make me a dress out of the curtains so i look rull pretty!" So she goes back to the ATL, but Rhett's in jail and Scarlett's like "fml" but then she sees her sister's ex and is like "ur rich, let's hook up." So they get married and get richer, but then Scarlett gets attacked by these pervs and her hubby dies trying to defend her honor. Scarlett don't curr bc she didn't even like that dude, so when Rhett shows up and asks her to marry him she's like "evs. y not?" Rhett's all "ur gonna love me one day" and Scarlett's all "no way, i still love my boo Ashley. Ur just rich"

So Scarlett builds a big house in the ATL and has a baby with Rhett. He names the kid "Bonnie Blue" which is just a stupid name. And Scarlett's like "omg i'm totes fat now, my boo Ashley will never love me." Rhett goes all cray-cray bc Scarlett's still in love with that dude, and they fight a lot and then have sex." So Rhett's still mad and he takes Bonnie Blue to London, but when he comes back he finds out Scarlett's pregnant again. They get into a big fight and he pushes her down the stairs, which totally isn't cool, btw. So Scarlett loses the baby, and then Bonnie Blue falls off her pony and dies too. Total bummer!

Then Melanie is super sick and dying or whatever, and Scarlett sees that her boo Ashley really did love his wife and she's like "ugh fml" again. So she goes home and is like "at least Rhett still loves me" but he's like "lol no, you already screwed everything up." And Scarlett's like "then wtf do i do??" and Rhett's all "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn." Which is the biggest insult ever. So then Scarlett goes back to Tara, all "ugh going home sux" but then she realizes she has grrl power and can do whatever she wants. So then she gets on facebook and is all "Rhett's gonna love me again! After all, tmrw's another day!"

Tweets of the Year Vol. 9

Hello Kitty doesn't have a mouth, y'all.
- @campsucks

I'm amazed that people aren't more up in arms over the fact that we're all going to die.
- @DannyZuker

Salma Hayek says being super-rich is "great." So, you know, myth busted.
- @badbanana

Chipper Jones is a good baseball player.
- @BravesStateofMind

Tweets of the Year Vol. 8

George W. Bush says the most nervous moment of his Presidency was throwing out the first pitch. Which is why, for Me, it was all of them.
- @TheTweetOfGod

Googling your symptoms when you don't feel well is the most efficient way to convince yourself you're dying.
- @capricecrane

Now that he's in his thirties, can we all agree to be a little less impressed with Conor Oberst?
- @JohnRossBowie

Whenever I run more than one errand I can't help think "damn, who let me takeover the world."
- @sofifii

I have no idea how the stock market works but I know all the words to "We Didn't Start the Fire" so.....
- @RoundTine

Tweets of the Year Vol. 7

Oh for fuck's sake. Sue Grafton still hasn't finished the alphabet yet?
- @bitchylibrarian

If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say, ”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
- @ShanNicole

The Tea Party has no issue with Obama’s policies. They have no idea what they actually are. They just hate that he’s black.
- @MikeFTW

Did Fuller from "Home Alone" end up pissing his pants? Seems like a pretty major plot point left unresolved if you ask me.
- @markleggett

The GOP love Ronald Reagan for the same reason hipsters love the Velvet Underground: You think you have to.
- @ProfessorParks